Life As A Pimp
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: In which Ichigo asks Rukia a question about how long he will remain a Soul Reaper and it leads to a fantasy of their relationship in the future...with Ichigo as a pimp.


**Life As A Pimp**

**Pairing: Ichigo/Rukia**

**Rating: T**

**Genre: Humor/Crack**

**Summary: In which Ichigo asks Rukia a question about how long he will remain a Soul Reaper and it leads to a fantasy of their relationship in the future...with Ichigo as a pimp.**

* * *

><p>"Hey, Rukia?" Ichigo called, sprawled across his bed with a magazine in hand. He rolled the boring scrap of pop culture literature up in his hand and swatted a fly that had landed on the wall opposite him just as she looked up at him from where she sat in his closet, painting her nails. Biting her lip, she diligently took a tissue and swabbed at some polish that had dribbled onto her skin before glancing back at him in her brief moment of distraction. "Yes?" she replied.<p>

"How long do you think I'll be a Soul Reaper?" he questioned, changing positions on his bed and laying on his back. "I mean, Soul Society can't expect me to keep this up 'till I'm an old man, right?" He crossed his arms across his chest and stared up at the ceiling as though struggling to make this question sound meaningless, despite the fact that his tone carried inflections of disquiet. Rukia, however, didn't take this sincerely in the slightest and just laughed out loud at the thought of Ichigo hopping out of his body in astral form-robes hanging from his gaunt figure-only to fall over as Zangetsu's weight crushed his frail spine and sent him toppling onto the ground like a stack of dominos.

"Y-yeah!" she cackled. Ichigo huffed, disgruntled, and rotated over to his side so that his back was to her. He still had to wonder, though, what things would be like 20 years or so down the road.

_"R-Rukia!" Ichigo plopped down on the couch in his apartment, kicking aside all manner of classified ads, pornos, receipts, and bills which had all been in an organized pile on the table until he'd trashed it looking for the remote to the T.V., causing most of it to amass in the floor. The baby girl in his arms wailed, protesting against being held._

_He placed her down on his knee and began bouncing her up and down in a vain shot at getting her to calm down. Down the hall, the door to Rukia's room slid open and Renji stumbled out with nothing but a pair of faded jeans on. He pulled the cascading wave of crimson hair that fell down over his shoulders into a sloppy ponytail with a rubber band and did his fly up before yawning. He sauntered out into the living room and gave Ichigo a slight cock of his head in acknowledgment before heading to the door and letting himself out._

_"R-Rukia, what did I tell you about bringing your work home with you!" he shouted, and just as the ear-splitting bawls of the baby were reaching their pinnacle of intolerable, she suddenly paused and gave a loud belch. Rukia tottered out of her "domain" at a steady pace, wearing a grey, pleat mini skirt and a form-fitting white blouse that was unbuttoned just enough to show her black lace bra. Her hair was a little tousled, but she fixed this easily with the brush in her hand and began combing out the tangles in her raven-black tresses._

_"RENJI!" Ichigo bellowed, and there was a patter of footsteps just as Renji poked his head back into the door. _

_"Yeah, Ichigo?" he said, pulling a stained t-shirt over his head. Ichigo held his hand out. "Aren't you gonna pay for your services?" he inquired, patting his child on the head, to which she reacted by cooing._

_"But I already did," he whined._

_"It's extra since you had your stay here," Ichigo informed. Grumbling, Renji fished out some cash and tossed it to him before exiting the apartment, slamming the door behind him to highlight his fury for having had to pay twice and garnering a string of repining expletives from their neighbor._

_"I'm sorry, Ichigo, work is work. We have to pay the bills, right?" Rukia said once Renji was gone. "I have to go back to work again tonight. I'll be out late with my johns."_

Back to the present, a mortified scream caused Rukia to smear nail polish all over herself.

"OH MY GOD, I JUST IMAGINED MYSELF AS A PIMP! WITH RUKIA! AND WE HAD A KID!" he howled, thrashing about on his bed. "AND RENJI PAYED ME 'CAUSE HE HAD SEX WITH HER AND NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOO!" Ichigo continued to flail around until he passed out from the trauma, frothing at the mouth.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: LMFAO. I cracked up when I thought of this. It was just too hilarious. Oh my god, was that horrible or what? Poor Ichi. Review, please. :D **


End file.
